Why Kids Only Listen When You Start Yelling at Them: Taming the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Habits

Have you ever been so drained that you felt stressed and out of control of your emotions and yelled at your kids? Surely, we all want a peaceful home, but how do parents avoid yelling at kids and have kids listen and be cooperative?

If this is something that bothers you today, you are not alone. In fact, almost all parents have at one point already yelled at their child in anger for not listening or misbehaving in some manner. 

And the feeling of frustration and guilt feels heavy in our hearts after we did what we must have avoided. Because only then we realize that our yelling could just worsen the situation or could cause our child to misbehave and disrespect us even more.

Yelling is a very emotional and unproductive way to communicate. It is a negative behavior that can lead to more yelling or other negative behaviors. Yelling is often a result of frustration, but it does not help the situation.

There are many reasons why yelling is an unproductive way of communicating. The main reason is that it is not a respectful way to communicate. 

When we yell, it sends the message that we are angry, frustrated or desperate and this can create more tension in the conversation. In these situations, your child may respond by either getting defensive or shutting down which can make the situation worse.

Imagine yourself getting yelled at by your boss when at work. What do you think could be your possible reactions? In your sane state, you know that you would positively respond if things are communicated to you in a nice way isn’t it? And it’s no different with our children.

Children are a blessing. They are also a handful. And it is not always easy to raise them. So, 

How do you stop yelling at your kids?

The following section is an excerpt from Dr. Laura Markham’s book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How To Stop Yelling And Start Connecting.

Yelling at your kids is never a good idea. It teaches them that anger is the way to solve problems and it makes them feel scared and anxious. But sometimes we all yell, especially when we are tired or frustrated or feeling out of control.

Dr. Laura Markham shares her thoughts on how to stop yelling at your kids and start connecting instead.

Here are some lessons she learned from an experienced parent:

• Remember that you can't always control what your kids do, but you can control how you react to it.
• The key to stopping yelling is changing the way you think about parenting.
• If you're the kind of person who yells a lot, try to take a break from your kids for 15 minutes and then come back.
• It's not about what you want from your kids, it's about what your kids need.
• When they are yelling back or acting out, stop and try to identify what they might be feeling instead.
• Consider whether you might be reacting to them with the same behaviors they are displaying.
• Reassure your kids that it's okay to feel what they feel and tell them it's okay to yell too.
• If you're an anxious parent, remind yourself that yelling is rarely helpful.
• Remind yourself of the basic principles of parenting: Kids learn best when you're consistent and calm.
• Have realistic expectations for your children's behavior.

 

 

The Secret to Getting Kids to Actually Listen

Kids are not naturally good listeners. They need to be taught how to listen and what to listen for. This is especially true for younger kids.

We can teach children listening skills by:

Using a simple technique that gets kids’ attention

The best way to get a child's attention is by being unpredictable. 

Here are some creative ways to do this: 

Put on a costume (a jester, a pirate, a witch). Use the "Who's there?" game. Walk around the room and make different noises as you move. Play a magic trick or read them a book together. 

Some children love to help with household chores like dusting or washing dishes. Ask your child what they would like to do today and offer it up! If they are more inclined to play, have them help you cook dinner or set the table for dinner.

 

Having a conversation with them about what they’re listening to, and why it matters

Listening is a form of deep engagement. It's an act that requires us to give our full attention to what the speaker is saying, and it can be a tool for building relationships. It’s for these reasons that listening has been dubbed "the new love language."

A person who is focused on what someone else is saying tells the speaker how much they care, which in turn makes the speaker feel valued and cared for.

In order to be successful in your conversations, you'll want to take the time to really listen to what people are saying.

Here are some ways you can do that:

Reflect on what someone is telling you. Let them know that what they are sharing is important to you. This shows that you care and are listening to them.

Look for cues in their body language or verbal cues, and if they seem uncomfortable, ask why. 

If they seem interested in what someone else is saying, ask them who it is or what they believe the other person said.

If a person sounds frustrated with your response, stop talking and ask them what they want to talk about.

Laughing out loud often makes people feel comfortable and open up, so if you're laughing at a funny joke, ask them to tell you more. Laughter is contagious and can help the conversation along.

 

Asking them questions about what they heard

Studying the way children learn language is a fascinating process. When they hear something that sounds like a word, they will try to mimic it by saying it themselves. 

They will also try to say any words they hear that sound even slightly similar. In order to learn, a child needs to hear a word repeated over and over again in order for them to fully understand.

Children also need to see words or hear the sound of someone saying a word in order for them to have an understanding of what it means. They will do this by pointing at words they want you to repeat and then they will say the word themselves. They will also use gestures such as pointing and pulling to help them fully understand a word and put it into their own words.

Knowing this, you will understand why your child throws tantrums, yells when they don’t get what they want, and even be destructive or physically abusive because the tendency is that they have learned it through watching and mimicking what the adults do, which in their understanding is the way to communicate what they think and feel.

Getting Your Kids To Listen By Changing Your Language and Tone

In order to get kids to listen, you have to change your tone and language. The way that you speak with them is important because it influences their behavior. 

You should also try not to yell at them as this will only make them feel even more frustrated and they might not listen to you. 

You should also be aware of the way that you are speaking with your kids and make sure that they are listening to you.

If they are not listening, then you should try rewording what you are saying or start from the beginning again. 

You can also use repetition and get them to repeat after you to make sure that they have understood what is being said and if they still didn't understand then move on to another activity and try again later.

 

How You Can Teach Kids The Importance of Listening

We live in a world where people are constantly communicating with one another. Whether it be through text messages, social media, or even a phone call, it is easy to get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. However, there is an important skill that we often forget to teach children:listening.

Listening is not only important for children but also for adults who are trying to better themselves. 

Listening can help you understand what someone else is saying, or it can help you understand what you are saying so that you can better articulate your thoughts and feelings.

Listening also teaches children about empathy which can lead to understanding why other people do certain things and how they may feel about certain topics or situations. 

Ultimately, listening teaches children about compassion which will make them more understanding of others and how different people may feel in a certain situation.

Is there a Way for Parents To Control the Outbursts of Anger?

Parents should always try to find a way to control their anger. This is important because when they are angry, they are not able to think clearly and they might do something that they will regret later.

Some of the ways parents can control their anger include:

• Control your breathing: When you are angry, you may notice that your breathing is faster and more shallow. Try taking deep breaths and slow breaths to calm yourself down.

• Try counting: Counting from 1-10 can help you get in control of your emotions.

• Take a time out: If you feel like you are about to do or say something that you don’t want to, take a time out for five minutes or so and then come back to the conversation.

Some ways to help children control their anger include:

• Avoid temper tantrums: Temper tantrums are not good for parents or kids. If they can overcome a temper tantrum by themselves, then they will be able to do it again the next time they are angry.

• Think about what you say before saying it: If your child is angry, tell them ahead of time what you are going to say. This will help them control their own anger and not do or say something that they might regret later.

• Talk about the feeling in your body: When children are angry and upset, talk about what's happening to the body. Share with them all of the different physical sensations like butterflies in stomach, tightness in chest, or rage. This will help them understand the feelings better and learn how to control their own anger.

• Remove your child from the situation: If you are home alone with your children and they are angry, leave the room for five minutes to give yourself time to cool down or talk to a friend.

• Reward good behaviors: Always reward your children for good behaviors and minimize the time they spend in a state of anger. Let them know that they feel angry because they are frustrated and it is important to communicate their emotions.

• Give them choices: If your child's anger escalates, offer them choices. For example, "Would you like to calm down or do you need help finding something else to do?"

• Know when to intervene: When your child is angry, he or she might not be aware of what they are doing. Break the time-space continuum by stepping in to stop aggressive behavior. Wait for your child to calm down and then talk about what happened.

• Don't worry about your relationship: It's easy for parents to get caught up in their jobs, but it's important not to let that interfere with their relationship with their children. If you feel like you're not being a good parent, talk to your spouse or another trusted person.

• Set clear limits: Develop a list of acceptable behaviors. You might have a hard time remembering what those are when you're exhausted, but breaking them down into manageable steps will help you feel more in control. Be firm and consistent in enforcing these boundaries. 

The Benefits of a Quiet Space in the Home

A quiet space in the home is a place where you can escape from the noise of life. It is a place where you can go when you need time to yourself or time to recuperate. A quiet space in your home can be as simple as a bedroom with a door that closes, or it can be an entire room dedicated for this purpose.

One of the most important things that a parent can do is to stay calm.

We're not saying that you should never get angry or frustrated with your children, but when you do, try to take a deep breath before you say anything.

If you are having trouble controlling your anger, then it may be best for you to leave the room and come back later when you have calmed down.

Successfully managing your children's behavior requires patience and consistency.

No matter what happens, we want to make sure that we’re setting an example for our children.

Have you figured out how to stop yelling at your kids and have them cooperate? We'd love to hear and learn from your experience! Leave a comment below.