February 23, 2022 7 min read
You may just be one of the many parents who have a difficult time raising their children, especially you who holds a key position in your company and are often looked up to by your colleagues.
Your kids can be uncontrollable and people may blame you for your kids' misbehaviors. It’s hard to experience, and many parents like you may feel guilty or ashamed when this happens.
It’s pretty impossible to know everything about parenting, even if you are too successful in your career. There are a lot of different methods and techniques, but one way does not have to be better than the other. The most important thing is to figure out what works for you.
I’ve dealt with some really tough, unruly adolescents and know how difficult it is to feel like a bad parent.
I was a teacher for over ten years before I got into the writing and consulting business. One of my main jobs was working with parents who visited the office to talk about misbehaving kids in school. Most of them were really stressed but really nice as people, and most are really doing well in their careers.
Most parents have tried their best with their kids, but they're hitting a lot of obstacles including behavior problems, mood issues, and other pressures at home.
With my own experience, I was really shamed with one parent's meeting where my co-parents started judging how I parent my child who's attention is often called because of too much misbehavior at school, and I heard one saying, "it's useless that she is known to be a smart teacher yet she cannot teach her child good manners.". I silenced myself, and I got emotional. The next thing I know, I transferred my son to another school a week after, which I later realized did not actually solve the problem of my child's misbehaviors.
When our child acts out, it makes it difficult to see past the cause. We might feel guilt and shame, but we could also try a new approach not to let ourselves be tethered to the past.
But over time, if we let our children face the consequences of their actions instead of us bearing the guilt and shame, we will notice that our kids become calmer and more respectful. That’s because our kids soon learn that they are responsible for how they behave. We parents must also learn to use techniques that teach our kids responsibility and accountability.
If you have a child with acting out behavior, you may feel embarrassed and ashamed. You might be asking yourself if you’re doing enough or if this is your fault.
Being ashamed of your child's work doesn't do any good. It won't help you or your kid, so it just makes more sense to make the most of what you have. Sure, there may be things that make it difficult to improve quickly and you're bound to have moments where it doesn't feel like you're getting anywhere. Whoever caused the issue really doesn't matter as much as whoever is willing to fix it.
I know when I feel judged and blamed by other people it can be uncomfortable and upsetting, but the best thing to remember is that they haven’t been in your shoes. You don't have to listen to them. You're doing your best. Surely, no parent wakes up in the morning saying they're going to try and mess with their kid today.
So stop blaming yourself and stop worrying about what others think. Instead, think about what you can do to improve your situation.
When a child misbehaves, a parent might feel guilty because they think they are the reason the child is misbehaving. Below lines may sound familiar to you;
“I feel guilty that he don’t listen to the teacher - I spoiled him with so much attention.”
“I’m the reason he gets rude to his playmates - I lack time to have him learn how to socialize.”
“It's my fault that he wasn't able to do good in school - I should have worked with him more often when he was younger.”
“It’s my fault that he’s picky with his food. I always gave him the freedom to choose what he eats.”
It’s really common to feel bad about things when you don't do the best you can. But feeling guilty won't help your situation at all. Keep in mind that when you blame yourself, you’re recognizing that you shouldn’t have tried to control your kid's behavior and instead held them more accountable for what they did.
This is important to understand: sometimes you can feel guilty when your child misbehaves. Unfortunately, that guilt tells them they are in control, and it is not good for you or them. Instead, hold it together and be the parent! That is what they need, and that’s what will work best.
We can't help but notice when our kids are having trouble and try to solve it. As a parent, it's tough to see them suffer. But taking on the responsibilities that is supposed to be theirs won’t do you or child any good.
There's a specific goal when it comes to disciplining our children and that goal is appropriate behavior irrespective of their mood.
Be ready to face some challenges, but if you avoid them, your child will not develop into an adult who can take on life's difficulties. And it’s harder if you face same old issues when they are already an adult. So let them learn while they are young.
If your child is having trouble taking responsibility for his actions, you might want to start by getting him to write out what happened. This can help him to be more objective about the situation and figure out what he needs to do to fix it. You can then ask him: “What were your responsibilities, and what were other people's responsibilities in this situation?” This will help him to understand what he needs to do to take responsibility for his actions.
It's a good question to find out how they realized their part in what happened, and how they can change it. Be as objective as possible, don't introduce your own feelings of guilt into the discussion. Think of what you're doing as all business. List the facts and think about them as if you were a neutral party. The focus should be on your kid developing some life skills so they can take on their responsibilities and not on your child learning to control you.
If your child is constantly in crisis and you're fixing their problems, try to find out why. Is this a pattern? Examining your parenting patterns can be difficult but it's important if you want your child to benefit and change their behavior.
When you face your child, be strong and don't take their excuses. Don't let them blame you for their feelings by saying things like "you made me mad so I broke the vase!" or "you took my phone away"
Keep in mind that your goal is to teach your child to take responsibility instead of blaming others. Your kids won’t like this at all in the first place, but it’s totally OK.
How often have you been stared at and you hear people whispering and even calling you names and misjudging you whenever your child suddenly misbehaves in public? And you would grab your child telling him/her how shameful that was? Familiar? You obviously feel the guilt and shame.
See, people will likely blame and shame you, but this is something you should not accept. Remember that no one has ever walked in your shoes to know more than you do because you are doing your best.
Always keep that in mind and eventually, those voices in your head telling you that you are doing bad will be silenced forever.
If you find that you are constantly feeling guilty and taking the blame for things your kids do wrong, you should try to count to 10 before reacting. This will help you to have a better response than you would if you reacted impulsively.
Take a moment and answer the following questions:
What’s really happening?
What is my first thought based on that information?
What can I do to be more effective?
It can be tough to step away from a situation, but it's all about gaining objectivity. Sometimes you need to take a timeout, especially if you're finding it difficult to keep your emotions in check. Remember that this is not about you and just focus on what's best for your child.
Some kids who are oppositional or defiant can create tension in the family and make them want to pull away from other people. They might stop socializing and this could lead to isolation. This isolation will protect parents and families from any outside judgment or blame, but it won't do anything to improve their own guilt. As a result, these setbacks make them feel even more discouraged.
The problem with being alone is that you can start feeling guilty about not achieving what you want. But when you connect with other people, you might see that your problems are not as bad as they seem. And even if everything seems bad, it will give you a better sense of perspective to realize that there are people out there who go through similar things as you do, and at times even worse.
Parenting can be hard because it is a lot of work and it can be difficult to know what you are doing. However, don't feel bad because you are not the only one that feels this way. Everyone figures out how to parent as they go along. People can be reluctant to take action when they are feeling blamed or guilty, but these feelings can also keep us stuck in bad cycles. Seeing ourselves as failures instead of trying to bounce back can be depressing and make it difficult to move forward.
It can be helpful to talk to other parents who are in a similar situation as you are. Seeing yourself reflected in others who are also trying their hardest to raise their children will help you feel better about your skills as a parent. Just remember, you are not the problem, you are the solution to your kids who are acting out.
Know that others from our community might be reading the comments, please feel free to share how you deal with this issue and you might just help a parent in need of a good advice.
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