One of the most unsolved conflicts within a family is having a distant relationship between a father and his child. Most fathers think their grown child is more stubborn than they were at their age, and most children, especially teens, are annoyed at how their dad treats or disciplines them most of the time. Apart from other reasons like their dad having another family and divided attention. However, we believe fathers love their children, and often times fathers' gestures of love for their children are misunderstood.

This is true not only for fathers, but also for mothers. Each of us is given the opportunity to experience and learn how to be a good parent, but as much as we push ourselves to give what we know would be best for our child, we still become "bad parents" in the eyes of our child at some point in life. 

Why? Because our love languages are different from each other. And most dads would be busy providing for their family rather than attending and paying for parenting seminars to learn how to champion fatherhood. And yes, they want more action. Most of the time, experience for fathers will always be the best teacher.

How Father’s Love are Misunderstood?

It is true that "time flies by" so quickly, and so is change. And as our children grow, so do we, and so do our parents undergo so many changes. These changes happening for each member of our family greatly affect our relationships and how we view things outside the confines of our home.

Take for a example this group of teens having a barbeque party at my nephew’s who happen to be living nextdoor.

I overheard their conversation about this kid who was pouring out his anger as his father tried to reconcile with him by gifting him a brand new car as his birthday present.

I heard the boy say, “I don’t need his car or money; I just needed his attention, his presence. But where was he when I needed him most?”

His dad, by the way, has been working overseas in order to provide his children with a comfortable life that he didn't have growing up because of poverty.

While on the other hand, I have a friend who grew up abandoned by his father, and the mother had other family. He is so much stressed because he is parenting his son, who is rebellious and often ends up getting physical disciplinary actions. A heart-to-heart talk never worked for either of them.

My friend is crying out and asking friends how to become a good father to him, when he didn't even experience how to have a dad. Because he was clueless, he thought spending quality time like watching movies together, jogging at the park, and playing at arcades would make his son grow closer to him. It turned out his son is most cooperative and feels loved when he is often bought new things he likes.

The point is, fathers, being always out of sight while working for the family misses a lot while their child grows up. And children are fed different points of view about how they should be treated at home because they see it from their peers, and wish they too should be treated that way instead.

When Comparison Kills Your Father’s Love

I recall a friend in highschool once said to me that she wished she had a father like mine, who would not be around to bug and treat her like a baby.

She wished that my father would become her father, who lets me live independently on my own, who lets me figure out things on my own, which I then thought before was making my life so hard, when it would be easier if he was there to help me out.

My dad works in another city, while my mom works overseas. My friend didn't know I wished I had a dad like hers who is always present for her and giving her what she needs even before she asks.

We've been kids ourselves and we understand more what our children are feeling, even if they don't speak out what they truly feel inside.

We know that as kids, we often seek out things that are not usual in our family routines because, admit it, we also get tired and bored of something repetitive. And we can't help but compare what we have to what others have.

See, most fathers parent their child in ways that they know and somehow experienced themselves as something great, or they do things they wished their own fathers did for them. 

But most children just seem to have their own world and idealisms far different from their father’s beliefs, which impedes the potential of dads to become the best they can be in the eyes of their children.

How Well Communication Works?

I remember my husband talking to our son (10 years old), asking how does he feel when given a situation like;

1. Being there to teach him with his lessons/assignments; our son said he feels pressured, he wants to learn and do school things on his own.
2. Watching/playing together or we buy him something he can be busy about; our son said he’s more excited when we have family movie/play time together.
3. Celebrating birthday with friends or have a family vacation trip; our son said he wants to travel instead.
4. How he feels when he is scolded/whipped; our son said he feels angry and upset but understands he was at fault.
5. Serving him, like preparing his clothes, his food, water, bed, etc; our son said he’s no longer a baby.
6. If mom and dad separates; our son said “then teach me how to cook so I can cook for mom”. And added “you still visit and hang out with me by then”.
7. If mom remarries other man; our son said, he wouldn’t let that happen.
8. If dad remarries other woman; our son said, “hmmmm” looked at his dad and laughed.(I wonder what was that all about until now).

My husband is not a perfect father, and I sometimes get annoyed when he whips my son's hands and bum over some "small things" like my son using his ballpoint pen without permission. I thought he was overreacting, but his reason was to teach our son to respect the owner, even if it's just small things.

But despite my husband taking charge of disciplining our son, (and because I don't like to nag all the time), I feel our son's closeness to him, in fact, our son prefers being with my husband more than with me.

They even have this "boys talk" that our son tells me when I butt in with their conversation and ask them what they were talking about. (The girl he has a crush on. Oh well, my husband told me or I get upset.)

My husband always asks our son's opinion on matters that involve him, such as which school he likes to go to, which activity he likes on weekends, and what to eat. While my husband also has overly strict rules with our son's sleep and waking hours, morning routines, how to respond when his name is called, how to behave outside the house, and with other people.

I vividly remember my husband telling our son that if he has so much time playing with him, he can surely have more and more time punishing him if he does not follow or forgets the agreed-upon rules about so many things.

A Father’s Hope

Sometimes fathers are also stressed out in situations where his wife and his child have opposite preferences over things. Thinking if he did this or that, one would get upset at him. And that is why it's hard to be a father, but they do their best in ways they believe will have a great impact in teaching their child how to be strong in this cruel world.

Your father, like every other father in the world, has multiple roles to play for the different characters you also possess as his child.

At times he’s a soldier training you to be tough, sometimes he’s a chef cooking for you, sometimes he is a doctor, an engineer, a gardener, a carpenter, a teacher, a child, a friend, and even a monster so you are trained to be a hero. 

All these roles a father plays in his child's life come with a hope that his child learns the good stuff from it and uses it to have the best life the child can possibly have.

Appreciating Every Dad in The World

This father’s day, we at Chubibi would like to acknowledge all the dads out there, most especially those who are taken for granted, those who are misunderstood, and those who are struggling to reconnect with their child. 

You are as awesome as you are! You are for all reasons a father who needs the love, the respect, and the acceptance of who you are and have the confidence and strength to continue the journey to becoming the best dad ever!

Are you a dad? What bothers you and what are your struggles being a father? We loved to hear and learn from your experience! Please leave a comment below!